typical abilene night

Sometimes I just want to be alone.
I think everyone does.
My brother will probably interrupt me any second now. I keep hearing his frustrated footsteps. You see, our Internet keeps messing up and he’s the guy to fix it because computer engineering is …or maybe it isn’t anymore, well, it at one point if not now was/is his major.

Being home for a weekend is nice. Even a long weekend. But beyond that I’m ready to leave. Wanderlust? No. Cabin fever? Maybe that’s part of it. I think I just want to be home.

About ten minutes ago, no, 2. Two minutes ago I came into my room and lit about four haphazardly collected over the years candles. There’s a vase of dried roses on this desk too and I pushed it aside thinking of the disaster that would occur if they were to catch aflame. I turned off the lights and watched the light move as it never does with a light bulb. I noticed a loose, crispy and precarious petal hanging from an ancient bud and decided to save it its misery and lifted it from its hold. “Lifted” because it was only being held there by a cobweb. I let this paper-like petal land in a candle figuring it would burn up instantly. It’s still there. Part of it anyway. It now seems to be sunken in the clear hot wax like the titanic. It will probably be there forever and I don’t feel like connecting this happening with anything. It’s just a dead petal in a candle. Who cares.

I’ve been watching too many movies.

At ten thirty I scooped up my cat and forced him to snuggle with me as I carried him around. He gave in. Then he didn’t. So I let him go. I decided to use my parents bathroom. I didn’t have to pee that bad, I was just bored. There is no privacy in their bathroom. Going in there is like a mini-adventure in itself. First I locked the door to the kitchen. It’s tricky because the lock thing turns in the opposite direction that most locks do. I know this and yet I get it wrong every time. Next I shut the door to my parents’ room. Simple, it doesn’t lock. They’re not home. Then I lock the door to the outside. At least I think I do. I go to pull down the shade to the door window and discover that, of course, there isn’t one. I look out the back porch for a second. All I see is cold air. I decide to turn the outside light off. Then I decide to turn it back on. It’s a known fact that it’s easier to see into a place if its dark where you are and light where you want to see. I didn’t think that all the way through though at the time or I would have just turned off the bathroom light and left the outside light on. But then I would have gone to the bathroom in the dark. That could have been possible though seeing how I’ve gone to the bathroom for 20 years quite successfully. Anyways, all three doors are locked and no one seems to be outside so I take my chances. Done. My pee is a normal color and aside from the looming brown stain that has been in the toilet for a few days, all seems as it should. And no one walked in on me unlike the other day when I told my mom I was using the bathroom, not to come in, and sure enough a minute later she swings open the door. Always humiliating, getting walked in on. Pants are up and I’ve got to wash my hands ok I hate that soap. Sally-ho to the kitchen sink! I unlock, open, and unlock ugh the other way and march into the kitchen. I’m ok with dish soap. Oh wait, I despise Joy Ultra. I’ll just have to make the treck to the other bathroom. And in there I must choose between using the bath&body works soap my sister got for Christmas or the normal Softsoap that looks like loogies. Monya’s soap is supposed to be just her’s, ridiculous I know, so I opt for loogie time. Whatever. Just as I go to dry off my hands on someone’s shower towel (not the hand towel that thing is definitely full of germs) I hear my mom and sister coming in the backdoor, into the other bathroom. Ha! Perfect timing.

It’s one of those nights where I’m keeping my mouth closed so everyone’s wondering what’s wrong with me. “I’m fine” and I look her right in the eye so she knows it’s true. But maybe when I force myself to look someone in the eye I am in fact lying. Am I not fine?
The truth is I want to go do something, I want to go talk to a friend or just go lay on my car and watch the stars… but it’s too cold and no one lives here. No one. I wander aimlessly through the front yard anyways. I admire our cheerful Christmas lights that I had absolutely no part in putting up, I balance the tiny curb that lines the driveway, I stand next to the pine tree we planted about 3 years ago. And truthfully I don’t know that it was three I just stretched my finger out to see what number I’d press. And here I am looking right into your eyes, on purpose, so you’ll believe me when I tell you it was three years. Three. I believe me now. The second I realize that I’m no longer able to stand next to this tree, that instead I am actually within it because it has grown that much, is the second I realize that it grew. Odd that I did not notice the five-foot distance before this. I think the closer you get to something the more you experience its size. There’s blue Christmas lights entwined within the branches too, it was like a glimpse of floating in space. There I was, staring at the universe and the gajillion stars that make it up, below and above me, to my right and my left, breathtaking… and my phone camera showed me three lousy blue dots when I tried to take a picture. I am increasingly disappointed with cameras. They seem to be better for capturing what I cannot see rather than what I can. And that’ ok too now that I think about it. I should take more time to think about things. …without over-thinking them. Tricky.
I went back inside and stuck my hand in my stocking by the fireplace. I wanted a cherry lifesaver. I knew there were some in there but I kept pulling out the minty kind which is ok I like that kind but they’re actually minting up the entire contents of the sock which includes my favorite reese’s peanut butter cups. They’re just not the same when they’re minty. Fine, I settle for a mint. I like them. Cherry just would’ve been nice, ok?

Now it’s back to my room to write all this down because really what else is there to do? I just feel like being alone. Sometimes I just want to be. Jordan did interrupt me a few minutes ago but it was o.k.


The neighbors seem to be killing an evil stick in their back yard. I keep hearing whacking on cement.