Un-retrieving

She has been moping about it for two days. My sweet mom, she left it in a hotel on her way back from Maine, somewhere in Virginia or Kentucky. Her and my brother were on an eccentric road trip from her parent’s house in moose-country all the way south to where the buffalos reign. She brought me back a moose stuffed animal that I christened “kitty,” as if the role of young girl missing her mommy had taken over me and I was suddenly 4 years old again.

She keeps bringing up this item. She’ll be in the middle of cleaning out the refrigerator drawer (because I left watermelon in it two weeks ago. it rotted.) and I’ll hear a “Ohhh… I just can’t believe I left it…” She’ll trail off on how many times she’s called the hotel, and how they didn’t have “everything together” while they were staying there. That’s her gentle way of saying that the management really sucked and the maids had probably taken her item after they left. She says these words to no one in particular. There is no one in the kitchen with her but her friend, Summer, our family dog. I am escaping her laments as best I can, but I hear her, and what she says makes me sad. To know she cared so much about that gift Monya and I gave her a year ago actually surprises me. Finding something for my mom is tough because she has no personal hobbies, only errands. That we finally were able to find her something and now she has misplaced it is unsettling.

But silly really, that she misses it this much. It’s a sleeping tee. You know, a long T-shirt made for sleeping in. It’s khaki with about eight different drawings of golden-retrievers that sleep and smile on it. In the center, in someone’s grandma font, it says, “Silence is Golden.” Monya and I found it in a gift shop called “Surprises” over on Willis and 14th. We both decided with one nonverbal exchange that it was perfect. Thirty dollars later it was all wrapped up in a turquoise gift bag with zebra tissue paper that so many gift shops feel unique in using. On seeing the tee my mom understood why we bought it for her. She is gentle, loyal, and appreciates no music in the car. Summer, her counterpart, hates thunderstorms. They are retrievers.

Losing something is a horrible feeling. You feel defeated by fate.

My argument is, “I cannot think about what I do not think about.” It sounds foolish, but it is true. Thoughts that we think are triggered by reminders. We make lists, we take pictures -- we trigger a thought. A constant train of links and boxes. I can pull something random from my memory, but I will only be able to think of it either because I searched for it or because something recently reminded me of it. It will only be random because I, unaware of my subconscious, dubbed it so. We can train our minds, but we do not have full control. Some blame fate or karma, I do not. I only know that the Lord is mysterious and He works in that way. Forgetting can seem awful on the surface, but really be a blessing. Quarters that we lose through a hole in a pocket can be picked up by someone else… and shirts that are bought by daughters can be retrieved once again online by a son.

in limbo

ok. it's 3 a.m. my mac is sick. so i'm on a pc. and some wonderful things have happened. on my mac, i was never able to put pictures on ze blogg, but on this lesser computer, i can... why? i know my computer's better on all levels, so why is this e-machine passing it up in this way?
i'm not tired yet. i'm listening to miles davis. in some way that makes me feel neat. but lots of people listen to miles. when it's late at night my legs ache. Ache.
i went to the dentist last week. it smelled like a nuclear fumes lab. the hygienist flossed me. it must be awkward to floss someone else. she dug into my gums so hard i felt like she was under my tooth and sawing away at the roots. i wasn't sure how to react... this was really hurting, but the most i could do to communicate it to her was to make small sounds from the back of my voice. miserable. the older i get, the more i hate the dentist, and shots, and blood... shouldn't it be the other way around? when i gave blood last time i almost passed out. the only things to bring me back to were thoughts of ice cream and orange juice. only then could i stop focusing on how very uncomfortable i was.
we all just want to be comfortable.
this chair makes me sweaty.
so i want a different chair.

Camp food is greasy.

It's June!!! Happy birthmonth to me, happy birthmonth to me, happy birthmonth dear me-ee, happy birthmonth to me! haha... just kidding. June is an amazing month, but not just because my birthday is the 14th. I will finally be a year older but still in my mind always feel two years younger than everyone around me... June is also amazing because it is a free month. No escuela.

I have returned from two weeks of hard emotional labor. Talk about insecurities. Jeez am I insecure. There was some major leaning on Jesus going on, a good thing. Once I arrived at Pine Cove I was sucked into a peppy society of believers. Cool? I think it may be... but I have yet to decide. Some people are sweet, some people I pre-judged completely wrong, and some people I could not figure out. My job as a photographer is perfect for me because it lets me stand back and observe rather than muster up fake energy. It is amazing how thinking to yourself "I am so awkward" causes you to act just that, and how thinking just the opposite: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" makes you feel confident. My whole life I have bumped back and forth between shy and outgoing. My whole entire life... I tend to be more comfortable when outgoing, but sometimes my guts get twisted and I am consumed with worrying how people think of me. Sometimes that is not the case at all. I have never felt that way at SFA. I feel it most around my mom's side of the family, on mission trips with people I don't know, and at pine cove.

I'm hungry. I didn't really eat dinner. I just had some home made banana ice cream. No complaints though, that stuff is heaven in a bowl.

I had some neat animal encounters while commuting between PC camps this past week:

1) I made eye-contact with an owl one morning. I was in the backseat of a car, driving down a whitman-inspired, tree-lined road. Green and brown mixed with dark shadows. I was gazing into the leaves when I saw a large owl sitting on a post. We held each other's glance like a love poem for several seconds. He followed my eyes until I had passed. "I just saw an owl!!" I eagerly screeched like a 5-year old. The two in the front seat said nothing in return. Thus complimenting my awkward insecurities. I am now afraid to make impulsive announcements. I hope they know the poor effect they've had on me. At least I still haven't forgotten what those owl's eyes told me. I'm pretty sure I gained 8 year's wisdom from those three seconds of nature-human interaction.

2) I had to stop while horses crossed the road. It was twilight and I was alone in my Honda. There were no fences, just free-roaming horses, a one-way road without shoulders, and me. These horses acted like I did not exist. I watched with awe as the large creatures each found separate times to make me stop on the road. In retrospect, I should have gotten out of the car and ran widly alongside them. Today I listened to Ray LaMontagne's "All the Wild Horses" three times with new vision.

3) I was driving 50 mph and was disgusted to see a 4-foot long black serpent slither across the road in the afternoon heat. He struck me as a large evil tape-worm ready to sneak into someone's bed. It's amazing how some animals have such bad connotations.


Hope all of you who read this are doing well. Thanks for reading.