I've come to the realization that I use my blog to vent and complain. How gross. Will change.

The Bedroom.

I just want to cry. In fact, I wish I could. Just close my eyes and feel hot, wet tears roll down my cheeks. Nothing tragic has happened, I just feel like exploding is all. Do you ever feel that way? When several things hit you at once and none of them justify crying but when you compound them it's an overload of reaction? I'm so flawed, so selfish. Being in this room makes me sick. It brings back way too many memories. I went through all my drawers and shelves, all my old clothes, old notebooks from middle school. Why I kept everything? Don't ask. I've got frames of friends staring at me, buckling shelves laden with money. I finally realized where all my earnings went. To useless crap. Books I've never read. Hats I've never worn. Feelings I shouldn't have felt. Even this lighting is driving me crazy. Yesterday when I gazed into the garbage can in the alley, I saw years and years of school all there in the trash. My doodles, homework I hated, papers I excelled at. There they all were, finally in each other's pointless company. I used to have one drawer that was designated for things I wanted to keep for sentimental reasons. Now I still have that drawer, it's full, plus about 6 desk drawers and a few shelves, not to mention the closet with who knows what in its depths. All this to say, stuff is stuff. I'd rather not have any of it. Give me something intangible to trigger my memories and I'll have all this in the trash by Saturday.

I'm going to be stuck in Texas all summer.

may may may... came so fast

even though I'm tired... even though there's much more I should be doing... (what's new?) I need to write this.


freshman year: Done.
done done done finished. over.
i sit here staring at amber's side of the room. she's left. her side is bare. my side? messy. things have been thrown places they've never been before. tomorrow i'll have to get up and pack it all away, only to move it back to the same exact spot in august. yaaaay. this has been my bedroom for four months. i feel like i've been packing and unpacking myself for a year now. and I'm not done.
closing my eyes, I experience something different. I no longer see what is in the room, I see stripes of light on my eyelids. i listen to my lungs fill and let out. I go back to being a body, a body disconnected from my possessions. Now I wish I could just stand up and drive home. Drive me home. Not my things. I have grown tired of "stuff." of my small fan that my first boyfriend gave me, of my quilt that I bought at wal-mart two years ago, of my lamp that I got at a garage sale... I'm ready to start over. I've collected too many pens... too many surfaces...

I will now shave my head and go live naked in the wilderness with only my mind to accompany me.

just kidding ...but seriously


10 things I've learned from my freshman year of college:
1. God is so good and He has so much mercy to offer. If only I could live perfectly and not need it.
2. Cafeteria food is best on Wednesdays. on those days they have food-animals placed cutely throughout the food lines.
3. Home-made meals and homes in general become nostalgic.
4. Road trips are a must. Cabin fever happens in a dorm.
5. God has this all set up to where we have to lean on Him, and if we don't, He'll break us.
6. Staying up late is... nice. 8 a.m. classes are not.
7. Flying kites at midnight during a thunderstorm on the top floor of a parking garage in austin isn't such a bad idea after all
8. Folk, bluegrass, and alt-country are my soul's music.
8.5 It is not necessary to take everything you own to your dorm.
9. Writing is something I must do to stay true to myself.
9.5 East Texas is very different from West Texas
10. When you find out your roomate pees in the shower, you re-think sitting down to shave your legs.